KT9: The Qorst Assassin

KT9 slowly walks to the door of the police station. She lingered outside for quite some time, staring at the top of the weird gold plaque atop the door. She stares at the floor for a moment, before crushing her coffee cup and tossing it into the recycling bin. A metal arm throws the cup right back at her. It panks off her head and lands on the ground beside her feet. She grabs it, annoyed, and tosses it back in. She tries to shove the door, not noticing the enormous “PUSH” sign on the door. She yanks it open, immensely frustrated, and hears the cup fly into a pillar behind her.

KT9 walks to the receptionist’s desk, crossing her arms and resting her head on the counter.

“Are you here to turn yourself in?” the receptionist asks. “No, I’m here ta’ get a job, ma’am.” she says, standing straight up (mildly offended.)

“Well, go down that hall, to the left, and then take the next right. You should see a really funny lookin’ statue of an angel. If you don’t, you can take a left and then another right, then you can g-“

“Ma’am?” KT9 asks. “Can ya just give me the room number?”

“T601.” the receptionist replies, smiling.

“Right, uhh… thanks.” she says, walking to the elevator. She notices that a sign on the door that reads “OUT OF DISORDER.” Questioning what the hell that means, she presses the button and immediately, the elevator comes tumbling down the shaft. She feels the entire floor rumble as it crashes down in the 3rd basement.

“Fuck.” she says, slapping herself in the face. The doors immediately open. KT9 looks down the shaft and sees a pile of rubble where the elevator probably once was.

She backs away, nervous about falling down the shaft, and begins searching for the staircase.

She walks back to the receptionist, who is now missing 2 polygons, and crosses her arms again. “Hey, uhh.. I fucked up the elevator. Do you know where the stairs are?”

“…Nobody knows where the stairs are.” the receptionist says, floating about an inch off her chair.

“Are… are you flying?” KT9 asks.

“No, why?” the receptionist asks, upside down.

“Floating point?” KT9 asks, mildly concerned. “Probably.” the receptionist responds.

KT9 begins searching hopelessly for a staircase, but stumbles upon a new elevator in the process. She calls the elevator, with the weird 4-pointed ’90s graphic design flavored “CALL” button. It slides down the shaft, stopping gently at the first floor. She climbs into it and nervously taps the 6 button. The elevator begins rotating up the shaft. She screams out in abject horror as she’s tossed like a beanbag up the entire shaft. It then immediately begins sliding down the shaft at high speed, stopping abruptly at the 6th floor, banking her directly off the ceiling. She climbs out of the elevator, bruised, but immediately feels just GREAT stepping away from it.

She stares at the receptionist on this floor, who seems to be suffering from floating point disorder aswell. “Dear God help us all!” she shouts cheerfully. KT9 uncomfortably lobs a thumbs-up in her general direction. She begins charging to T601.

She knocks on the door, which is almost immediately opened by the police chief - a blue and white bug-eyed lamb boy.

“Are you alright?” KT9 asks, scarred. “Sure. Why?” the chief asks.

“I’d like to apply for the role of Serial Assassin.” she says. He materializes a clipboard and stares directly into it.

“Hmm… Looks like that role is O P E N!” He says.

“Cool. Can I have it?” KT9 asks, frustrated.

“Sure!” he says in a strange announcer-like voice. “Can I see your qualifications?”

KT9 nods. “Do you have a computer?” she asks.

“BOY DO I!” shouts the chief, basically throwing her at it. She sits down in the chair, before connecting to an obscure FTP server that hasn’t been touched since 2391. She downloads a Word document, attempts to open it, and it immediately begins dumping out via daisy-wheel printer mounted on the back of the bulky mid-90s CRT.

“Right!” the chief says, snatching it out of the printer. “It says here you kill people. Is that correct?” he asks.

“Yeah..? What do you think I’m here for?” she asks.

“To get a job!” he says, overly cheerfully.

“…Okay, so… can you read the rest of my qualifications?” she asks.

He jams the entire sheet into his mouth, begins flashing through the entire CGA color palette, then vocalizes TADA.WAV. He smiles. “So, YOU killed Jral Grongstorf!?”

“Yeah!” she says, smiling.

“I’m so proud of you.” he says. “Here’s a medal!”

He thrusts a medallion at her chest, and it adheres to her denim jacket. “Cool!” she says.

“You’re hired!” he says.

“Alright, awesome!” she says, extending her arm for a high-five. He freezes. “Uhm, bud… high-five?” she asks, nervous. She puts her hand down and he resumes motion.

“Not one for high-fives, huh?” she asks him. “What?” he responds.

“I.. tried to give you a high-five, but you just froze.”

“Oh. Like this?” he says, sticking his hand out in response. She freezes.

He puts his hand back down. “Yeah… like that.” she says, horrified.

“Oh, that’s just a niche bug in the character engine that was discovered in 2201 that causes any actor to immediately freeze upon being given the SPLAYED_HAND! This was due to-“

“Alright, let’s just stick to thumbs-ups.” she says.